A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and replace "dog" with "son."

  1. Ahoy hoy?
  2. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
  3. Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours.

Duffman can't breathe! OH NO!

Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

  • I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children.
  • Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.
  • Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!